I Was A Product Of An Affair, And I Have A Relationship With My Biological Dad To This Day
I Am The “Other” Daughter
“Well didn’t I come out of your stomach?” was my response when over hearing my mom talk to my other siblings about being our mom. Apparently it was cute, yet, how the hell did I not know that at that age?! I was about 5 years old. I don’t remember, but my family reminds me now and then of that cute innocent moment a little girl had, who didn’t see color. She just saw what was….. her mom and dad.
Family dinners, playing sports like soccer in the yard, soccer games on the weekend, a memorable family trip to Disneyland. These are the memories I hold from my childhood. They are good memories. I grew up in a safe, loving environment. The house was rowdy when I was younger. I had 5 brothers and my parents cared for a few medically fragile foster kids, who my mom still helps raise today, as she is retired.
I to this day can’t pinpoint the age I realized I was adopted. My adopted parents were white. To me my parents were my parents, they raised me. I would ask my mom throughout the years about my biological mom. Asking if she had ever met her prior to adopting me. “What did she look like, was she thin? Did she ever ask about me?” Were some things I questioned my mother about. My mother had met my biological mom a few times after I was born, still an infant. She had a few supervised visits with me. Then, gone with the wind.
My life went on with a family that loved me and kept me safe. In the back of my mind, I always wondered what she was like. Her height, figure, why she was never able to raise any of her 4 kids.
“Kayla, your biological dad’s looking for you”, was my brother's first words after he had just got off the phone with his grandmother. I was fortunate to have been raised with one of my biological brothers. We both had a relationship with his grandparents, his biological dad’s parents. They were always good to us. They did a hell of a lot more for my brother than his dead beat biological father, who had over 6 kids and didn’t do a damn thing or hardly ever saw any of them their whole lives. My older sister was in the room during that time. We both exchanged the same look upon hearing my brothers message to me. A look of…WTF?
I was 17 years old and he now decided it was time to give a damn about me? I mean all my life, my brothers’ half brother on his dad’s side and his mom had been a part of our whole lives. We referred to her as our aunt. When I was younger, a different, yet biological aunt used to visit us, with one of our biological siblings on our moms’ side, who was actually my brother's full blood sister. Yes, a little confusing. But my point is, I had people in my life who technically were not my blood relatives, who made an effort to be a part of my life. So where the hell was my biological father?
My grandmother provided me with his number, we meet up about a week later.
It was about 6pm. We had met at a local Mexican restaurant. I spotted him right away. The only brown skin man in the waiting area, holding a bouquet of flowers. As we spotted each other we naturally walked towards each other. We than hugged, it didn’t feel awkward yet.
We got seated right away by the hostess. The conversation flowed naturally. I showed him pictures of me I had over the years. Every time I looked at him I would try to pinpoint physical characteristics we shared. Like the same shaped teeth, eye color, and enormous head. I was happy to finally meet him. Although I shouldn’t have been.
The rest of the night went smoothly. He asked if I had any questions for him. My now 32 year old self would have said “WTF, where the hell were you all these years”. And not in a nice tone, either. I would have also told my younger self not to be happy, he did nothing for me my whole life. Didn’t even sign the birth certificate, left my biological mom. But I was a 17-year-old naïve, shy, not confident girl. Literally, when I say I had no confidence I truly mean it. One thing we discussed during our meal was his kids. He has two that are older and one that is younger. So I was in the middle. It didn’t take me weeks to realize after our meet up, that I was a product of an affair…….
After that meet up I slowly was incorporated into the lives of these strangers, who were my blood relatives.To me they were strangers, yet we had the same blood.
We would meet up at restaurants to get together. I would come over to his side of the family’s house for Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Some of the family functions his ex-wife would be there, seeing she was the mother of his three kids. She was always nice to me. Back in the day she was the wife, my biological mom was…. the “other woman” at the time I was conceived. My aunt had shown me a photo of my biological mother during the second year I had attended Thanksgiving with my biological side. She had said she was a part of the family. So I put two and two together, and realized my biological dad had a “fling” and re-connected with a past ex. Than came me, by accident.
It has been 15 years that I have known my biological father, it has been good. The one regret I have is that I shouldn’t have jumped into having a relationship with him so fast. He didn’t deserve me that easily.
And I honestly don’t know why I was so happy to finally put a face to not even a name I knew of all these years, just knew their had to have been some sperm donor somewhere.
He has never been flat out honest and never officially explained the situation he was in at the time. I mean it takes a lot of courage to basically say “ I was screwing another woman and I had a family, that’s why I didn’t raise you.” I hope he doesn’t think I’m stupid and can’t figure things out. There is a part of me that feels he knows I can put things together. He did apologize the night we first met, said he should have found me sooner, which he should have. And I am at peace now.
My dad who raised me had passed away when I was 12. I had a dad who loved me and was the rock of the family. I had loving parents, I really didn’t need my biological dad. But I don’t regret meeting him, it feels good to know my blood.
Most of the time I doubt two adults consider the many negative consequences of what affairs can lead to. A major one is pregnancy, which was the case for my biological parents. But I am NOT a mistake. I turned out pretty flipping awesome! I am proud of the woman I have become and the life choices I have made. I got adopted into an amazing family. The affair may have been a stupid mistake, but I am not a mistake. I love the woman I am.
